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22 February 2016 @ 05:06 am
Does anyone want to talk?
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
10 January 2016 @ 10:45 pm

y body is punishing me...
I've gained 5 lbs from yesterday to today.
I'm trying to keep myself calm and trying to sleep. I was 10lbs away from my goal, now I'm here... 15...lbs.

I've seen me 10 lbs near the goal a few times already in the past 2 weeks. Why I can't stay like that? Why did I have to binge and not purge, specially today, because last night I was freaking out about my pulse in rest being too high and that being from purging.

I hope when I wake up that at least I lost 3 lbs in water. Please, don't do that to me. I'm feeling terrible.

22 November 2015 @ 06:30 pm

Food. Food in every nook and cranny in my freaking house. Thank you, boyfriend, for trying to help. But I want to get as far away from here as possible.

I call my dad, "Hey, are you and grandma doing anything today?"
Yes. A walk on the beach sounds nice.

Adorable tent booths set up all along the pier. Awesome! Cute jewelry, clothes, shoes, artwork. Wow! I love it. Walking with dad and grandma around to the next isle of booths.

Food. Food in every nook and cranny in this freaking aisle. I was so happy, and now it's ruined. I immediately feel my face growing pale and and begin to cold sweat.

"Dad, it's too windy and cold out here but this was fun." I say smiling.

We're back at their apartment. My breathing slows and I relax more. "I have to head to practice now, unfortunately. Love you, dad. Love you grandma."

My sweet dad... "Here's some food to take with you."

I bring it home, walk in the doorway and toss it in the trash.

22 November 2015 @ 06:14 pm

For a week now, I've been sucked into restricting. The tingling starts at my fingers and toes and spreads depending on how cold it is. I am addicted to this feeling. Freezing cold hands and feet and the slight burning feeling stepping into a hot shower.

13 November 2015 @ 07:50 pm
Does anyone else struggle with balance? I find that life is often a hindrance to progress or goals or even determination. I haven't accomplished anything I set out to accomplish this year, and I'm even more tired of "myself" than before. I feel that life can be overwhelmingly difficult when it should just be live-able.
27 October 2015 @ 09:33 pm

Is anyone else ed like me, that switches in between the worst stages of b/p or complete fasting during depression issues?

Older I get more I hear my therapists telling me about that when I was 13/14, at that time I could care less, right now, it affects my relationship. Men want akinny/fit wives, but can't deal if she has an ed.

Can't understand.

Sorry, x-posted in a lot of places so I need to vent!

22 October 2015 @ 01:16 pm
Anxiety. 22 years old. Former Xangan. Married with a 5 month old son. I love my husband and son but I ache for my old life. I miss my old home and my freedom. I miss restricting.

My body is different after pregnancy and childbirth and my first goal is to get under 100lb.

I'd love to talk with people, lend and recieve support
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
I lost over 45 pounds in the last 8 months.  I had a baby in Dec 2014, and started training for a 5k run as soon as I was healed from the c-sec (4 weeks later).  Slowly but surely, I was running more and more as I started getting in shape.  Then all of a sudden, I was starting to resemble my old self again.

And by 'old self', I mean that I looked like me.  105 pounds, 5'5.

Unfortunately, the old me had an eating disorder.  This time, I was dieting like a champion.  Fueling for my training but never indulging, ultra controlled, a discipline to remark upon.  And as life became more and more stressful, I ran more and more, and started becoming addicted to the 'progress' I was making on the scale, even long after I had hit the ultimate GW.
07 October 2015 @ 08:52 pm
Quest bars are good for a quick boost of protein and energy, the carb count is good, but they are also easy to binge on. So I go back and forth on them. Opinions? Better substitutes?
Current Mood: coldcold
05 October 2015 @ 11:51 pm
Hello, everyone. I used to be a part of these communities a lot, from about 2004 to 2007. Then I drifted away. I could really use support, and just people to talk to who understand.

My name is Jessica. I've vacillated between ED-NOS and BED/COE for 11 years now. I'm pretty friendly and a good listener. Anyone who wants to add me, I'll add back. Oh, yeah, and I'm 28 going on 29.
Current Mood: awakeawake