So Halloween and the obnoxiously long month that came along with it is FINALLY over. I struggle soooo much with binging on sugar. Now it's November 2nd and I find myself fasting to "undo" the damage done. Because this is totally logical, right? I also struggle with putting myself down for my childish thoughts that have dragged me down into this disorder. I'm currently seeing a therapist to find where I'm going wrong in dealing with these thoughts and possibly, hopefully, fix my self esteem. ( TriggeringCollapse )
Love you all,
It's been a really long time since i've been on here, mostly cuz all the communities I was a part of became totally dead. I came across this one a while ago but never really introduced myself and then kinda forgot. Long story short: I've been in Korea for the past year studying abroad and i'm on my last month here before going back to the states. My boyfriend was drafted to the military 2 months ago and basically all of my friends went home right after school ended. These days I've been really lonely and spending a lot of time inside bc of the weather, and I just feel disgusting. And I can't even check my weight because I don't have access to a scale so it's making me even crazier-I have to just judge based on what I see in the mirror and as all of you probably know, it's hard to trust your eyes when you have a long history with an ed... I started recording my intake on here again about a week ago and noticed that this com is decently active, so I thought i'd introduce myself..
These communities have always been a source of comfort for me, and I guess it would just be nice to have some kind of support over the next few weeks as it gets harder. Nice to meet you all and hopefully i can provide some support too! Always here if anyone needs a friend^^
so I gained 2lbs by following my diet so I'm pretty desperate. think I gained bc I'm depressed. I'm going to try the gross pills I think and sit here with my water all day. they are guaranteed a 2lb loss (usually).. :(
eta: so far after taking tem just nasal dripping/I'm cold so grabbing a blanket. I can feel the addition of garnicia bc the pill feels like a gummy bear in my tummy bc I typically drink two glasses of water right when taking- dmaa is dehydrating. slight increase in attention nothing crazy noticeable yet. if it's not noticeable soon I'm gonna go make a green tea. has only 100 of caffeine but I don't want to chance anything.
once again trigger warning for those in recvry.
got my pills in the mail but now I'm playing that "I don't need them I can just not eat" game. ha tht will last all of a couple hours.
did good on my 21DF last couple days down 1lb.
nursing school 124s
married lfe/work 134s. gross wt gain. I miss my ex days. hence the pills.
I've moved from FL to WA and my wife is now in-in the military. She even is done training for her job this week - I think today actually.
I got a great job here in WA at a local Spencers in the mall. I love it tons. The hours are awesome (as they are super minimal so I don't have to go out often but just enough).
I was doing well prior to my wife being out of bootcamp/tech school. And so was my wife actually. We were both so great looking. Then we moved up here- the move has been so stressful. Adjusting. We've been able to eat and I am able to cook (which was/is something I love[d] to do). But now I'm hating myself for it. I cook too much fatty foods. I cook too much crap. And my wife is now here to watch my intake every night and she's back on this habit of insisting she knows how much I'm supposed to eat (which is oh-so annoying) and now my thighs are big sand filled balloon sacks of fat and disgusting crap...
I don't know what happened, when I gave up or gave in or why I did what I did- giving in to food and eating and not caring. I don't know why I stopped working out- we tossed out all the old sauna suits when we moved and now I can't sweat. The weather up here is wonderful but not as good for breaking a sweat. I'm alone and in this house I feel like there's all this food- weed is legal which is both good and bad... I can smoke but I get so hungry and I indulge again and again and again and I think I'm just that much closer to being back at the weight I once was. I can't see my ribs anymore.
I hate myself again. More than before.
Going to buckle down and get back on the train to skinny. I just hope I'm not too late...